what is maturity...

you know...when you really need someone,that's always the time when they're NOT THERE. It always happens that way...when Jordan and my grandpa died last spring I needed someone so bad, and everyone just wanted to leave me alone I guess. As if I needed to be alone at that time...I think times like that are the worst times to leave people...
Or if you're upset or irrate about something, and feel like the biggest failure in the world due to many circumstances of either now or before, and the feeling of how you expect yourself to become b/c of those feelings or ideas other people have of you is even worse...And right now I am fighting the urge to get angry at people or going out my way to do drastic things just b/c that's what I was always used to in the past...because God has told me to press onto maturity in what i believe, and that doesn't mean playing mind games or getting senselessly angry at people for stupid reasons, or distracting myself with different aspects of life, like movies, or music, and actually sitting down and reading my bible and telling God exactly how I feel. Pressing onto maturity isn't always running away and complaining about how shitty life can be, but thinking about where God has brought me from and sitting down and opening myself up to Him. I've always been unsettled and restless about life, and it's always been too much to just sit down and be still and know that he is God, b/c doing that was too painful...but if I just do it, then I will be able to overcome so much of my life through Jesus, and I really want going to God to become second nature to me, so that when i really need Him again for more serious times, I can actually do that. Instead of lying to myself for almost a year saying nothing bad happened and people don't die and I never really lived such a heinous life. I am in so much denial all the time, and I need to face reality.

Jesus help me to love...

ok...I have a tough time with people sometimes...I am extremely patient at times...which surprises me b/c I used to be so impatient that I would punch people if they made me even a little irritated...God's changed me so much...man...anyway, life here at school has been generally good...up and down and completely emotionally chaotic at times, although God always prevails. But lately I have lost my patience for people...slowley...with the facts that they remind me of me in a way. Sometimes people are so hard on themselves, and always think the worst. Sometimes they have no idea who they are so they try to become someone else...others find this rather annoying...sometimes people think everyone's life revolves around them, and they find every way to bring a conversation, a problem, or a stressful time back to them and have a small pity party for themselves, and except everyone around them to do the same.

I can't be around people like that anymore...I was always a sad, depressed, and seemingly hopeless person, even though I kept it to myself, I probably wasn't very pleasant to be around. I don't want to complain, and I don't want to in any way go back to that way of thinking, and being around people who are like that just brings me right back to the hopeless feeling...I dont' like it, so I won't do it.

But is this selfish? To think this way? I mean it's for my own good right, but so are many other things that I'm not willing to stay away from or give up. I can only think of one at this time...and its' much to complicated right now to talk about...but maybe this is a start? Maybe this is God's way of showing me a better way of thinking and living...b/c people who do those things are so draining for me...and I can't do it anymore...I am not getting rid of their friendship completely at all...I am just limiting myself to God, me, and positive godly influence on my life. I screw up all the time, and sometimes when people know your weaknesses they tend to build on them - probably not to purposely bring others down - but just bring them to where they are...and its' got to stop. Yeah I messed up and yes I probably will again...but I've made my decision for Jesus a long time ago, and I need to keep going onto maturity and not be such a punk...Hebrews says it all...

The other day I read my Hebrews DL and I was reading about the severe warning and what some theories were about what it meant...it was intense. I don't want tobe shelved or not be used by God...I don't want to be stuck in the same spot all the time. I want a real relationship with Jesus and when I need Him in the hardest times again, I can actually go to Him and receive His love, instead of just telling myself that no, my friend didn't die, or whatever...and try to get through it myself, b/c that just doesn't work. I can't do it anymore...I've tried for my whole life to just get by, and I can't do it anymore. God can change me, and God can be there for me, and God can love me and I want to really know Him, and not just know about Him. I feel like I've tried everything, except actually going to Him and asking for help...and it's tough to do, but just keep trying...

I don't understand...

so what have I learned today that's so signifigant that I might actually write about it?! I realized tonight, to the point of tears-almost-how amazing my daddy really is. He will do anything for anyone, and he will provide as much as he can just b/c he wants to help. Of course he silently asks for respect back, and at 23 yrs old (man im old) Im finally realizing this. I'm finally understanding what giving respect means especially to people who love you and who you love, and to people older than you or in charge of you in some way. When i was younger and really heinous, I did the most terrible things to my dad, like break into his business and steal thousands of dollars from there and his just to support my drug habits...scream and yell and ignore my family for years, and only talk to them when I needed something. Life has still been like that to an extent even as I have grown up a bit lately, gone to a bible college, I've still been utterly selfish and using my family still. Tonight though, my dad filled up my friends car with gas b/c I need to go to winnipeg tomorrow to pick them up from the airport so we can all drive back to school together. He's going to fill it up with gas again before we leave on saturday morning, and he washed her car tonight. We went together :) but I'm just amazed at how unselfish he really is! Who does that?! And who cannot love someone like that?!

I always came from such a hard family. One who never talked about their problems, and when we would fight, which on record would've been forty times a day with not much exaggeration...I would go away and when I came back it was as if nothing had happened. I am trying so hard to prove myself trustworthy to my parents, and to make up for the 21 years of hell I put them through, all b/c of my own thoughts that turned me away from everyone. People say once you're forgiven it doesn't matter what had happened before, and yeah that's true with God, but with people its 'very much true. I've always felt I've had to prove myself in some way, whether through sports, music or school. Now I feel very inadequate to be at a college...b/c nobody ever thought I'd even graduate high school, which I did early and with 8 extra credits (thank God for music!). But to have people tell me they can't believe I even made it...and I think I can get through another year of college?! Especially a bible college?! I didn't even know there were bible colleges in the world until I met briercrest...I didn't even know Jesus was God before I got there, and after I became a christian in my second year, I was still doing heinous things at home b/c I just didnt' believe I could do this. I have never been one to give up, or to not go hard with something, except when it comes to my family I just don't know what to do. If I cry I dont' want them to see...If I need a mom just once I can never find one, or if I want a hug or someone to just tell me they love me b/c they're my family and they know me, it's not going to happen. People tell me it could if I really wanted it to, but it's more complicated than they think. Its easy to tell someone to just go and do something, when it's not them and they can't understand how the other person feels inside or the whole situation. I think that life is hard b/c through it you have gone and made it that hard. I think that when people sit down to think, sometimes people with more intricate thinking ways will overanalyze why a bug is walking on their floor and find ways to turn it into a happy thing, a sad thing, a tragic thing, or a pointless thing. I can...and this is what makes life so confusing, b/c people think too much about things and situations end up in their head in such tragedy that they don't want to face that in real life so they try their hardest to avoid such situations. To run away. And never look back.

merry new year

So...I didn't have the best new year...and I wrote about how mad i was at people and the world...although it was a bit overdone so I deleted it!

I wish I believed people when they say that life's as good as you make it b/c I don't think that's true. Or you choose your attitude and whatever else? No...I think that if people really had enough power and energy to choose to be happy then they would. I think I would. I may never be happy inside and always feel like the world's running me right down, but that's what's going to make Heaven all the more sweeter...

All I can do is make my choice to read the bible and learn about who God is...I just don't understand the relationship aspect of christianity, which of course is the most important part! But i don't get it, and I can't do it. I feel like I've tried for the past 2 years to get off drugs and keep going to chapels and reading my bible just to learn and try to love...and all I can think of how much better it would be if I had actually met Jesus...although...blessed are those who believe yet haven't seen...so yes I do, but how do I have a relationship with GOd? I don't enjoy sitting 'by myself' somewhere telling God all my frustrations and joys and crying out and stuff and knowing that I'm just going ot have to suck it up, and still feeling as if no one else was there with me. Yeah this sounds like a cliche problem among christians, the unbelief of God being there, but tha's not it. I believe God's there I just don't know about the relationship part...of course just doing stuff pointlessly to try to just live a good life seems good but not worth it. Make good choices and try not to get high or get mad at someone enough to hate them...yeah I can do that, but why? I guess if I have to go through life dying inside then I will. I have fun though...I can have more fun in an evening than most people I know just doing nothing or doing homework...but at the end of the night I'm still alone trying to sleep and not think. It's always the same, but if it helps anyone else then good. And even if no one can even seem to understand anything b/c I can't explain it...I do believe that God can and does...just forget about the past and press on towards the goal...