I don't understand...

so what have I learned today that's so signifigant that I might actually write about it?! I realized tonight, to the point of tears-almost-how amazing my daddy really is. He will do anything for anyone, and he will provide as much as he can just b/c he wants to help. Of course he silently asks for respect back, and at 23 yrs old (man im old) Im finally realizing this. I'm finally understanding what giving respect means especially to people who love you and who you love, and to people older than you or in charge of you in some way. When i was younger and really heinous, I did the most terrible things to my dad, like break into his business and steal thousands of dollars from there and his just to support my drug habits...scream and yell and ignore my family for years, and only talk to them when I needed something. Life has still been like that to an extent even as I have grown up a bit lately, gone to a bible college, I've still been utterly selfish and using my family still. Tonight though, my dad filled up my friends car with gas b/c I need to go to winnipeg tomorrow to pick them up from the airport so we can all drive back to school together. He's going to fill it up with gas again before we leave on saturday morning, and he washed her car tonight. We went together :) but I'm just amazed at how unselfish he really is! Who does that?! And who cannot love someone like that?!

I always came from such a hard family. One who never talked about their problems, and when we would fight, which on record would've been forty times a day with not much exaggeration...I would go away and when I came back it was as if nothing had happened. I am trying so hard to prove myself trustworthy to my parents, and to make up for the 21 years of hell I put them through, all b/c of my own thoughts that turned me away from everyone. People say once you're forgiven it doesn't matter what had happened before, and yeah that's true with God, but with people its 'very much true. I've always felt I've had to prove myself in some way, whether through sports, music or school. Now I feel very inadequate to be at a college...b/c nobody ever thought I'd even graduate high school, which I did early and with 8 extra credits (thank God for music!). But to have people tell me they can't believe I even made it...and I think I can get through another year of college?! Especially a bible college?! I didn't even know there were bible colleges in the world until I met briercrest...I didn't even know Jesus was God before I got there, and after I became a christian in my second year, I was still doing heinous things at home b/c I just didnt' believe I could do this. I have never been one to give up, or to not go hard with something, except when it comes to my family I just don't know what to do. If I cry I dont' want them to see...If I need a mom just once I can never find one, or if I want a hug or someone to just tell me they love me b/c they're my family and they know me, it's not going to happen. People tell me it could if I really wanted it to, but it's more complicated than they think. Its easy to tell someone to just go and do something, when it's not them and they can't understand how the other person feels inside or the whole situation. I think that life is hard b/c through it you have gone and made it that hard. I think that when people sit down to think, sometimes people with more intricate thinking ways will overanalyze why a bug is walking on their floor and find ways to turn it into a happy thing, a sad thing, a tragic thing, or a pointless thing. I can...and this is what makes life so confusing, b/c people think too much about things and situations end up in their head in such tragedy that they don't want to face that in real life so they try their hardest to avoid such situations. To run away. And never look back.