what is maturity...

you know...when you really need someone,that's always the time when they're NOT THERE. It always happens that way...when Jordan and my grandpa died last spring I needed someone so bad, and everyone just wanted to leave me alone I guess. As if I needed to be alone at that time...I think times like that are the worst times to leave people...
Or if you're upset or irrate about something, and feel like the biggest failure in the world due to many circumstances of either now or before, and the feeling of how you expect yourself to become b/c of those feelings or ideas other people have of you is even worse...And right now I am fighting the urge to get angry at people or going out my way to do drastic things just b/c that's what I was always used to in the past...because God has told me to press onto maturity in what i believe, and that doesn't mean playing mind games or getting senselessly angry at people for stupid reasons, or distracting myself with different aspects of life, like movies, or music, and actually sitting down and reading my bible and telling God exactly how I feel. Pressing onto maturity isn't always running away and complaining about how shitty life can be, but thinking about where God has brought me from and sitting down and opening myself up to Him. I've always been unsettled and restless about life, and it's always been too much to just sit down and be still and know that he is God, b/c doing that was too painful...but if I just do it, then I will be able to overcome so much of my life through Jesus, and I really want going to God to become second nature to me, so that when i really need Him again for more serious times, I can actually do that. Instead of lying to myself for almost a year saying nothing bad happened and people don't die and I never really lived such a heinous life. I am in so much denial all the time, and I need to face reality.