Shit.

There have been days and times in my life where I know what to do, I know what I should do, but don't do it. I have read past journals from bad relationships where I am pleading with myself to leave him but I just can't. I needed a reason to. So I waited until I got cheated on to leave. Almost every time! This time was the exact same. I doubt I got cheated on this time but I have been pleading with myself for a long time to leave and get away from this situation and I just couldn't. Why? Because I am fucking weak. Even in the last few days of this relationship I was still apologizing begging him not to leave me. Just because I was so scared to be alone. I couldn't do it. I am alone now and you know what it's not that bad. I was ready this time though. I did have weak moments where I would message or call him but his ugly response to me just proved that this was the right thing to do.

It also seems like a hard thing to do starting over again. Thinking that we should save this just because we've been together so long. And now here I am, in the same situation I was straight out of college, but at least this time I have a room to sleep in and not just a living room floor. Working a stupid job I am too qualified for, back in this city that I do love but there's nothing here for me anymore. He was the only reason I was staying here. I want to move to the mountains so bad but now because of all the debt he put me in I can't yet. I really let him screw me over quite badly this time. Not only emotionally like all the others but physically and financially. I am such a sucker for punishment.

Age 27 is the musicians year of death. I have one more month and then I am done this awful age! I almost made it without over-dosing in some way, shooting myself, or dying in a plane crash. It definitely was not a good year. Moving so much, money stresses, fighting so much. I wish I could do things over but then I think fuck it. I don't have the energy to fix things anymore. Not when I'm the only one trying anymore. There's just a point when you have to give up and think, where have I gone?