People can be really neat, or interesting, and important. One of my favorite Doors song is called People Are Strange, (Jim Morrison's my life) and when you think about it, people in general are really strange. How do they work? How do they become who they are? What makes things appealing to some and not to others? What makes people say and do the things they do? What made them become that way? And what happened to make them like that? I'm not talking about what happened in their lives, although that is really important..I'm not speaking about personality or social issues, I'm thinking about what makes people function. Physically, mentally, emotionally? Why are some more stable than others, or some have these chemical imbalances and are diagnosed with add, or fae, or clinical depression - to make a few out of the many some of us were graced with. Now if you could hear me say this you'd know I'm not complaining, just wondering. I can't hope anymore, for freedom from these things b/c I can't even imagine a life without them. As people grow up it is possible to control these "ailments" and to learn to use them to your advantage, or benefit. It's just getting there that sucks lol. Sometimes people are really important to me though, as everyone else has their people, so why can't I show that or I can only show it to some people and not others. Why am I such a chicken shit with love. My answers to my life have all been "christianized" I've noticed, and I fight with myself not to do that b/c yeah that's the answer I've been taught to find, yet its' not the one that I desire. Once you've placed it in your head for so long it's not just going to go away. So what do I do now. I've learned a lot about who I am and why I am, so what do I do with it? Just keep doing that? Just keep searching yourself over and over and over again and accept things and then leave them? Will they come back then? I am a person of extremes although I don't make them or ask for them. I dont' plan the craziness in my life, as most don't, I'm just an addict of it. My friend Jamie asked me yesterday whats going to happen to me when I leave school. He worries about that sometimes, b/c I dont have a solid thing or reason why I shouldn't do drugs or do stupid things. I wonder if self-respect really is enough, even though I can't honestly say I have that much anymore. More than I used to yeah, but I'm still not as solid as I think I am.
So Jamie wonders what else will keep me away from drugs, b/c if I know I'm not strong enough against my addictions, even to smoking or drinking, then what will really keep me off of them, if I'm no strong enough to say no. What's my reason to really live a "good" life. I dont'
want to be stupid again, even if it
is easy, its' not appealing for my pull towards maturity and reality. My life will only pull me away from that. It's amazing how a person can be their own worst influence, or learn to be their own dream crusher. Why do I want that?! Why would I want to be my own cause for failure and regret anymore? Why would anyone even let themselves. Then I wonder what more there really is than God. Maybe it is right. Everyone's life is a huge struggle, but why should it be? Why do people focus so much on their shit and not realize the non-shit right in front of them? A person can't be very happy or full of "joy" if they're so damn negative all the time.
I feel very weighed down with my thoughts right now and my heart feels very tense because in the end I always seem stuck with a choice and not choosing IS my choice right. (I just rolled my eyeballs). Can I really search my life and self and find anything worth it outside or apart from God? Anything that will last? He doesn't seem real to me at all, and if God is the only reality, then is anything real? My Creech friend said that maybe for me, it's impossible to find what I'm looking for apart from God, or figure out my past and my life now, away from God. But even the words, God, Jesus, Christ, Holy - they're swears or labels to me and hardly mean anything at all anymore. Even the cross and the story about Jesus...it's just a story that I'm tired of hearing about lately. I can't do it anymore, and I can't tell myself I can b/c I'd be lying to myself and I need to stop that. I've admitted it to myself, people, God, that I can't do it anymore - its' not as if I haven't tried either - and I'm not willing to do anymore. I've given up as much as I can for God and I've put myself through emotional hell trying to live like the bible says to, and if there is more for me it's not my job to do something about it anymore.
And don't tell me oh just give up more and try harder, and it's not about what WE get it's about what we give God. Yeah I know all that bull shit, and I think that if Jesus says come to ME b/c yuo're weary and messed up and He will HELP us, then we shouldn't be doing this on our own. If God pursues us and then backs off right aways? What kind of person does that?! Heaven's a good idea, but don't give me these "christian" answers that I already know, and tell me that I'm not trying hard enough or that it's not an easy life, b/c NO life is easy, I already know that. Why isn't it easier than just giving in? Or "happier", because if you really loved someone you wouldn't do things to hurt them, or choose another mistress to go home with, but you would go home to the one you love, right? So how many people can honestly say that they KNOW Godand LOVE Him, enough not to sleep with the enemy? Heaven's a good idea, and if the bible's true, then I may be fucked for thinking the ways I am, unless I underestimate grace, but also if it's not true, there really is no point.
