Jesus help me to love...

ok...I have a tough time with people sometimes...I am extremely patient at times...which surprises me b/c I used to be so impatient that I would punch people if they made me even a little irritated...God's changed me so much...man...anyway, life here at school has been generally good...up and down and completely emotionally chaotic at times, although God always prevails. But lately I have lost my patience for people...slowley...with the facts that they remind me of me in a way. Sometimes people are so hard on themselves, and always think the worst. Sometimes they have no idea who they are so they try to become someone else...others find this rather annoying...sometimes people think everyone's life revolves around them, and they find every way to bring a conversation, a problem, or a stressful time back to them and have a small pity party for themselves, and except everyone around them to do the same.

I can't be around people like that anymore...I was always a sad, depressed, and seemingly hopeless person, even though I kept it to myself, I probably wasn't very pleasant to be around. I don't want to complain, and I don't want to in any way go back to that way of thinking, and being around people who are like that just brings me right back to the hopeless feeling...I dont' like it, so I won't do it.

But is this selfish? To think this way? I mean it's for my own good right, but so are many other things that I'm not willing to stay away from or give up. I can only think of one at this time...and its' much to complicated right now to talk about...but maybe this is a start? Maybe this is God's way of showing me a better way of thinking and living...b/c people who do those things are so draining for me...and I can't do it anymore...I am not getting rid of their friendship completely at all...I am just limiting myself to God, me, and positive godly influence on my life. I screw up all the time, and sometimes when people know your weaknesses they tend to build on them - probably not to purposely bring others down - but just bring them to where they are...and its' got to stop. Yeah I messed up and yes I probably will again...but I've made my decision for Jesus a long time ago, and I need to keep going onto maturity and not be such a punk...Hebrews says it all...

The other day I read my Hebrews DL and I was reading about the severe warning and what some theories were about what it meant...it was intense. I don't want tobe shelved or not be used by God...I don't want to be stuck in the same spot all the time. I want a real relationship with Jesus and when I need Him in the hardest times again, I can actually go to Him and receive His love, instead of just telling myself that no, my friend didn't die, or whatever...and try to get through it myself, b/c that just doesn't work. I can't do it anymore...I've tried for my whole life to just get by, and I can't do it anymore. God can change me, and God can be there for me, and God can love me and I want to really know Him, and not just know about Him. I feel like I've tried everything, except actually going to Him and asking for help...and it's tough to do, but just keep trying...