~ Weeding The Pond ~

I finally left. Over a month ago, and moved to BC. By myself. I left my boyfriend, my dog, my cat, my bunny, my friends. I was losing my mind. I was not in a good situation. I hated my job, my life, everything. I think after years of not thinking of myself or focusing on what I want in life, I had a nervous breakdown.

When you do everything you can for someone else and focus only on them for so long (and I'm not talking about a persons child), and they don't appreciate it at all, it hurts. When you sacrifice so much of who you are and what you enjoy doing just so someone else is happy, you completely lose who you are, and you yourself become unhappy. I feel I did all I could to try to help and try to fix this situation, but when all I was getting was abuse in every way I couldn't stay.

I am so heartbroken I left my pets. My dog was given to a farm so she can run free and be happy. My bunny died last week, and my cat is sick. I miss my boyfriend - or ex I should say - so much but I know if I go back I'll probably die. I miss his voice, his smile, his companionship, but there's so much that I don't miss and I have to keep telling myself that. Today I was weeding the pond and I started to cry b/c I was so lonely, and I had to remind myself of what happened that made me leave and how I really don't want that. When the bad outweighs the good then there really is no question. It just sucks b/c I remember the day I left w him begging me to stay, and the drive out here was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Everyday I'm trying to work hard and do things that make me happy and I find myself the last few days hurting so badly. I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to go home even though I really have no home to go to in Moose Jaw anymore.

I have this place right now and I don't even know how long this will last out here. I might have to find a place to live somewhere else next week, and if I have to then I will. I wish I could have my own place. I feel like I'm always running around here trying to get some time by myself b/c when I'm upset I don't want anyone to be around and watch me cry. I met a new friend here but sometimes I wish I would've met him at a different time in my life, not during one of the most painful. I want to go hang out but then I get scared and stay away and I know he's awesome but I also know that I have time. Unless I have to move away then I guess I don't but either way, we'll be friends. But the fun part is getting to know someone and I know I'm not very strong right now and the idea of anything happening kind of freaks me out . I just want to play music and work through all these feelings I have inside me that are spinning around in my head. It's so overwhelming.

I had a dream last night that I saw Christian and he had my cat. I got to hold her and she licked my nose for so long and I woke up so upset. I always have the most vivid dreams and I always seem to remember them, even if I don't want to. I just want to be done. I want to be done hurting and feeling like an idiot. I feel like an idiot b/c I stayed in that situation for 4 years and I kept going back every single time. B/c I was in love, and it was my life. I'm familiar with the pain of life and I used to try to use it to write and play music, but today I couldn't even play my cello. This kind of pain makes me uninspired and I don't know what to do with it yet. I'm just done with hurting, I can't wait until it goes away. I was torn down for so long and now I miss myself and I want myself back. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask? I guess you gotta go through shit in order to appreciate the good times, and I am so ready for some good times.

When I go through shit, I always think, in a few months you'll look back and it'll be just a memory, and even that thought makes me ache. I never wanted to look back on this. I was always so confident from the day we moved in together that we would be together forever. No matter what we seemed to go through we always made it through, and I was an idiot. But I am done with self pity, and have moved onto missing him, next is acceptance?