my life is my own fault

I love Jordan. And I miss him. He died a year ago today...well the 27th. When I look back and remember the hell this year has been...not b/c of what happened but b/c of how I handled it. The dark fog and the confusion and everything that went on - oh God. It'll always be the worst day of my life...right before Jamie's birthday. He's 22 now. They grow up so fast...*sigh*...
Anyways, I am terribly sick. My left side of my face hurts because of dental issues and plus I had xrays taken of my chest b/c of my pains and lung issues, and they won't tell me what's wrong and they're making me find a doctor or something I dont' know. One day I'll find out if I'm dying or not. It'd be nice, but I'm not ready to go yet. I'm too confused and not willing to figure things out right now. Too much trouble adn time and I'm really discouraged with school and I want to drop out NOW but its' too complicated. I could just take another year and work and take it slow. That'd be ideal...two classes a sem plus a job I'd be sailin through the year! Hmm...
Anyways, the day hasn't been that shitty...I don't care what people say things can always get worse. They probably will too, just because I said that. I have a class in a few hours and everytime i lie down though I think my head's going to explode. I took too many advil/gravol/tylenol's today and I still couldn't knock myself out. I guess I will just have to live with it for a bit. You know when you're sick and all you want to do is go lie on your parents' couch? Thats where I want to be...in my old house in my basement on my couch. Where it's comfortable and I can have my life like I used to...kind of...in a way. I'm learning a lot right now about the future and possibilities and love. All the things I fear and despise ha! That's how life goes though i guess. One day...its' always one day..but also there's no way of knowing...anything...ever. Sometimes all I have is an aching hope eating away everything within me of something better, namely Heaven and God. I hope hope HOPE heaven's real bc I want otsee Jordan again :( and its' where I will find my happiness finally b/c there's no way in hell i'm finding any here. Unless I can sleep for a bit...and I'm not one to quit - unless it's drugs - and so I will try again! See you one day...

insignificance in the making

what have I learned lately? What have I been doing?! I have been in the library doing homework like a good little student and making mama proud. For once. I have been putting myself in situations that are not awkward and that are not bad and people that I don't get depressed around. I am slowely going back to some people I haven't been with lately b/c I think God's refreshing me again. I seem to listen to so much stuff and I haven't learned to let it go yet, plus my own life...I was overwhelmed and losing my heart for people. I was becoming selfish again, and I don't want to. I have been trying to fight an urge to be mad at someone b/c I was hurt, b/c he just left and stop talking to me. I don't think it's his fault that I felt attacked, because I felt ditched and I had my own issues to deal with anyways, and he had his own thing to do. I don't usually take things personally, but now I feel used to not having him in my life and I've separated myself from him with any close-ness we had before because if we get all tight again I think he's just going to do it again. I really like him and I missed him so much; he's one of my closest friends. I wish I could just not be me and get over it, but I'm reserved now. I can't tell him that b/c I still don't see him much and when I do we're not alone and it's not something you just bring up in front of people. I'm sure he knows anyways. I always assume too much...
Everyday I come to a new realization of who I actually am and what I actually want in life. When I get asked what I want to do when I grow up, I usually have no clue because sometimes I don' t feel like I can do anything because I'm not good at anything. I was never one to have high aspirations in life or high expectations of what I COULD do. My parents always did...they are go-getters...and pushers...mostly of me. I practiced my cello today for like 4 hours, in two shifts, and it was the most lovely time I've had all semester. The first time was right before greek class so I was in a great mood in that class for once! And then about a hour or so ago. I wish I could get really good and play as a performing soloist all over the world. I have lots of symphony/orchestra experience, and improv...so practice I guess. My friend Dave Ross asked one time why I was only taking an AA in music and a BA in biblical studies when I could be doing BA's in music performance and stuff. Oh man...that would be amazing. Then I could go to Julliard in New York! I don't know...I figured b/c music was easy for me that I probably should do something that stretched me, and made me feel dumb like greek. I like the other classes though, I love learning about God and the bible...and I when I think of working a boring 8 hour job everyday, I want to throw up. I need something exciting and not something that will make me feel stuck in one spot. Like touring around the world playing my cello! Maybe one day...right now I'm looking forward to my HOT internship next year with the best teacher ever in my whole life, mr. carl. I'm going to learn so much :)