life.

isn't it beautiful? isn't life just beautiful? i heard a song just now from that shrek movie called alleluia, and i hadn't heard it since my best friends funeral last year, and now im all sad. it's not a hopeless sad though, i just miss him. but it makes me remember that life is a treat, and that there's something else beyond this and even though we can't see it or even begin to fathom it, its' there, and i need to always remember that. life isa gift. from God. i take it for granted SO much and i always just dont care or i do my own thing, or i at least just want to. i am sure most oxygen-breathing humans do that. we all struggle with something. some kind of temptation or some kind of addiction. the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my whole life was choose to follow God, and that's b/c his enemy didn't want me to. badly. obviously there's some kind of reality there. anyways, i'm going to go help a friend do something now, but just remember who put you here and why you were put here, and focus on the life to come. amen.

the heinousness of my life...

i want the world. sometimes really bad. i just want to live it and love it. i want to date whoever i want, men and women. i want to go party. i want to drink. i want to smoke. i want to be "free". i want to travel and i want to not be tied down to anything. im bored. im fading away. im losing myself. at least it seems.
but i also want to have best friends. i want to keep them. and i want to have people to talk to and rely on and who will always be there. i've never had that before; it'd be nice. it's not going to happen. i'll always leave. i'll always be left. i want to follow God, and i want to be the heinous mel i am. i can't have both i know. i know. I KNOW.
some days is worse than others, but at least it's only one day at a time. if i have to sit here in my house alone in the dark just so i won't go out and do something "stupid", then i will. i dont want to regret anything, but can a person really help who they love? can they choose that? i can avoid it, but i can't choose it. who even knows.
does anyone really know what they want? is that really a sign of having a stable life or maturity? i know what i dont want. in life. in people. in myself. i know what i wish and dont wish. i know what i like and dont like. maybe that's enough. i know who i am but i dont know if that's who i want to be. this is different.