merry new year

So...I didn't have the best new year...and I wrote about how mad i was at people and the world...although it was a bit overdone so I deleted it!

I wish I believed people when they say that life's as good as you make it b/c I don't think that's true. Or you choose your attitude and whatever else? No...I think that if people really had enough power and energy to choose to be happy then they would. I think I would. I may never be happy inside and always feel like the world's running me right down, but that's what's going to make Heaven all the more sweeter...

All I can do is make my choice to read the bible and learn about who God is...I just don't understand the relationship aspect of christianity, which of course is the most important part! But i don't get it, and I can't do it. I feel like I've tried for the past 2 years to get off drugs and keep going to chapels and reading my bible just to learn and try to love...and all I can think of how much better it would be if I had actually met Jesus...although...blessed are those who believe yet haven't seen...so yes I do, but how do I have a relationship with GOd? I don't enjoy sitting 'by myself' somewhere telling God all my frustrations and joys and crying out and stuff and knowing that I'm just going ot have to suck it up, and still feeling as if no one else was there with me. Yeah this sounds like a cliche problem among christians, the unbelief of God being there, but tha's not it. I believe God's there I just don't know about the relationship part...of course just doing stuff pointlessly to try to just live a good life seems good but not worth it. Make good choices and try not to get high or get mad at someone enough to hate them...yeah I can do that, but why? I guess if I have to go through life dying inside then I will. I have fun though...I can have more fun in an evening than most people I know just doing nothing or doing homework...but at the end of the night I'm still alone trying to sleep and not think. It's always the same, but if it helps anyone else then good. And even if no one can even seem to understand anything b/c I can't explain it...I do believe that God can and does...just forget about the past and press on towards the goal...