Pain hurts - it's ok to cry

Tonight I had an intense talk with a good friend of mine. He is a person who tells you the truth, and is brutally honest and I appreciate him more than he knows I think. I am a spoiled, selfish, whiny bitch and I'm really sorry for that. I have always known life to be inadequate to my dreams and I always figured it's easier to deny the truth, run away, and forget some things ever happened. I've been filled with ideas that are not necessarily true, by other people or from myself just b/c of how I know life and experienced things. Maybe people aren't that different from each other, although they deal differently with things. There's so much of the world and life that I don't know even though I've experienced so much. I am a stubborn, prideful little girl and I need desperately to grow up. I can't just disregard everything in my life that I don't like or I do'nt want to be there, even though I have been. It's not healthy and it makes me feel like I can just disregard anything, including people. If someone makes me mad I can just walk away and pretend I never knew them. There's got to be something wrong with that. I feel pain, and I need to know that it hurts. I can cry, and I need to know it's ok. I am confused and empty and I have no idea what to do when I can't distract myself from reality anymore. My life is filled with adventure, and excitement, and newness all the time, and when it's not I get bored and unsettled and ready to run. I can't just dismiss people or things that don't make me happy or satisfy my own needs anymore. I need to grow up more than I thought I did still, and I guess life'll be that way forever. Who am I though? Just one mel who can do what for who?! How does someone re-arrange their thinking and try to note everything they've been told or taught and see if it is right and real? One thing at a time I guess, although it seems it will take forever. Probably a lifetime. Freedom doesn't come from what I've been doing. I still don't know how I feel about God still, although it's not something I feel I need to worry about as of yet. Right now I need to try to understand what life is really about and what is real and what is not. What is good for me and what is not. What is good for others and what I can offer to people I know; who I love. I need to give more credit to my parents b/c they do so much for me and I've learned not to take advantage of that, but I also need to try to find myself and be my own person with what I want. Pain hurts and love hurts and life hurts, but also pain can be healed, and love can be great and life can go on. It doesn't have to suck and it doesn't have to be the way it always was. My ideas on life haven't changed much in the past few hours, but the possibilities have I think. The possibility of being real and showing emotion and being true. This could work.

la di da

hey...I wrote a few songs this week...wanna "hear" them?


(first one...)
There is more to my heart than this
And there is more to my life than this
There is more to my self than this
I just don’t know where to find it [look]

The sun comes up and the moon goes down
As the days go by I wonder what this life is about – The same thing
Everyday nothing to change I just want a new point of view
There’s got to be something else in this world to live for something new

I never thought that I would go so far from you
I don’t know where my life is going now going to - Where are you
When I need you most I feel so alone
I try to get by everyday on my own I need more

Life passes by
No time to ask why
Life just goes on
Without saying goodbye

(next one...)
What if life went my way and I could find happiness today
What if life’s not so bad one day would it make the others fade away
What if I smiled today would it wipe all of my tears away
And what if I tried today to make my life worth living

What if time would stand still for you
Would you look around and see what you’ve become
What if time would stand still for you
Would you regret everything you have done

What if there is love that is real and true
What if you see it and it scares the hell out of you
What if I ran away would it be the same tonight
What if I died today would it make everything all right

What if life is only as hard as you make it
What if life is one big lie would you still fake it

(and then...)
There’s nothing real here anymore
There’s nothing I can look for
If there is I don’t know where to find you
Show me something real

I need something to hang onto
Like everyone else in the world
What do they have that I don’t
Where is this hope

Where is this real smile
Where is this relief
Where is this genuine love
Where are you

The silence just adds to my frustration
With who I am who I’ve become
Who I try to be who I’m not
Where have I gone

Why can’t I find this peace
Why am I so sad underneath
All I am and all I try to be is not enough for me

neat hey...any thoughts?

Hmm...

Do I care? What do I care about? I'm not sure I give a shit about much lately anymore. I hate school, people suck, and I'm so utterly unhappy with life and I'm STUCK in it. There's nothing I can do right now to change this and I feel like I grew up in a life I didnt' ask for. I guess nobody asked for their lives or have much control over what goes on in their lives, but I think we can steer our directions the way we want...so why am I so damn stupid sometimes? Why was I?! Why must I be so emotion-driven and why must I be the way I am. Can I do anything to change it?! No. People can pretend they aren't what they really are but deep down they still are. And there's nothing anyone can do. Can God change someone? ! I don't even know anymore. I feel like I don't know anything and I dont' care if I pass school or if I graduate or if I stay here or not this summer. I don't care if I have anyone to talk to or if I need anyone or if I even care much. I dont' care if I care. That's an interesting quote. I probably do care about some things. I know that some circumstances would MAKE me care. Sometimes things just force their way into our paths and make us feel and make us take an action we'd rather not or never would have otherwise. I can find happiness sometimes during a day but nothing that lasts forever. And the next day go on my lonely search again. Fuck the world just sucks sometimes. I wish I didn't complain, and I wish that I wasn't prone to being ME. I always thought that I was all I had and that I was the only one who had to live with me for the rest of my life so I should take care of ME and meet MY needs. Maybe I should again. If I'm not happy then how the hell can I make anyone else around me happy. Yeah I can make people laugh but am I genuine? Do people know I'm just getting by and trying to distract myself from life?! I need to leave. I need to get out of school and away from everything I know right now.

trust is my whole life

I feel like I take for granted everything I have and every opportunity thrown at me. I feel like I don't trust people enough to even let myself know them and I'm too scared to be known because of this damn fear I've grown up with. I try to figure out what trust is, and I know it's believing in people not to kill you or not to betray you in some way, although it always happens anyways. Sometimes people believe that when they meet someone there is automatic trust there and then wait for it to be broken in some way. I've tried that, and I think now after many years of dealing with people, maybe not the greatest ones, trust is not something that can be just given away and then broken, but something that needs to be earned. I don't automatically give trust away to people right when I meet them, but there has to be some sort of understanding between us in order for it to even be an idea. Yeah some people get more from me than others, but that's because I can only handle so much. I hope I won't always have this feeling of having something to hide or feel like people are spying on me and snooping through my shit, but I think I can find certain people who I believe won't do those things to me. It's just hope. That's all I have in the whole world. But there also must be discernment with people as to know whether or not they are being real. Real people can see through fake people so we need to be more real in order to protect ourselves. Because yes, life is about taking care of yourself and about letting things happen to you that only you want. Sometimes things are completely out of our control yeah, but there has to be a point of where I can do what I want. Do I have to get to know God in order to trust him? Of course, but there's not much of a way that I can do that. I feel like I have put everything I am into trying to know God and its' not like I don't believe he's in control of circumstances that I cannot be, or that he's not there, but i don't understand how we can be best friends with God. I don't want to live badly ever again and i don' want to be a disrespectin little punk who hates life, but i also want to be happy and enjoy life and have a reason each day to get the hell out of bed. I'm probably making things too complicated than what they are, I usually do, but as of now I choose not to worry about this fact and see what happens each day. I am not unhappy right now, it's been a good week for me. I have other things to worry about like my homework and finding a job this summer and maybe phoning home sometime. I also think that the more you trust someone the easier it is to talk to them, or to let yourself be known to them somehow, and easier to be happy with them.