Peace of mind.

Omg. Lately I have been kind of in a stump. A big boring lonely stump, that only I can pull myself out of but have no energy to do so. A trip to Vancouver and area made me realize that I am not where I want to be for the rest of my life. It is good for now, and I am with the man I want to be with forever, I am just so confused about life and people and what do I want?

Its so strange for me, b/c I have never been settled down and at times I feel very stuck. That sounds really negative and I dont mean it so much in a bad way or that I'm stuck with a life I didn't choose, but I like to get out and move around and experience the world. I gave up a lot of that to stay around here and have a family (boyfriend, cat and hamster family!) and I do not regret it at all, I just wish there was someway to have it all!

I was thinking about life the other day, and how one makes themselves happy, and with insight from a good friend of mine, I realized that you either have to make yourself happy or everyone else around you. At the expense of yourself or them. If you make yourself happy completely, you are going to hurt the ones you love, by leaving or doing whatever you want. If you make everyone else happy you are going to hurt yourself, by not doing whatever you want. I'm not saying going and cheating on someone or being reckless like that, but I mean if I choose to fully make ME happy, I'm going to have to leave and choose a different life. But then again, if I leave I won't be fully happy b/c I will miss my boyfriend.

At first I choose me and took off from my family, and sometimes I regret not being there or around to watch my friends kids grow up or see my family as much as I would like. But then I met Christian and now I don't want to leave and don't want to run off b/c I love him. He could come with me, but where would we go? It's too hard now b/c we have "kids" (haha) and a place to live and all this stuff. I wish I could create a happy medium.

See, Christian has his own music studio room and has all these hobbies he loves to do, and I really don't. Sometimes I feel I dont have time, but I think the real answer is, is that I don't know how. I don't know how to take time for myself and create hobbies and actually play music and stuff. Its a hard knock life.

Anyways, happiness is something that I'm not sure we can truly have and experience, and maybe it doesn't even exist at all, we just get by. Or maybe its the people who don't want to reach further and get more out of life that feel they find this happiness but I dont really know if I believe in peace anymore! It seems like a huge fascade that keeps people focused on reaching this peace, that maybe by keeping them busy they will actually think they are finding it. But really its all a big distraction from reality, which is not so peaceful.