trust is my whole life

I feel like I take for granted everything I have and every opportunity thrown at me. I feel like I don't trust people enough to even let myself know them and I'm too scared to be known because of this damn fear I've grown up with. I try to figure out what trust is, and I know it's believing in people not to kill you or not to betray you in some way, although it always happens anyways. Sometimes people believe that when they meet someone there is automatic trust there and then wait for it to be broken in some way. I've tried that, and I think now after many years of dealing with people, maybe not the greatest ones, trust is not something that can be just given away and then broken, but something that needs to be earned. I don't automatically give trust away to people right when I meet them, but there has to be some sort of understanding between us in order for it to even be an idea. Yeah some people get more from me than others, but that's because I can only handle so much. I hope I won't always have this feeling of having something to hide or feel like people are spying on me and snooping through my shit, but I think I can find certain people who I believe won't do those things to me. It's just hope. That's all I have in the whole world. But there also must be discernment with people as to know whether or not they are being real. Real people can see through fake people so we need to be more real in order to protect ourselves. Because yes, life is about taking care of yourself and about letting things happen to you that only you want. Sometimes things are completely out of our control yeah, but there has to be a point of where I can do what I want. Do I have to get to know God in order to trust him? Of course, but there's not much of a way that I can do that. I feel like I have put everything I am into trying to know God and its' not like I don't believe he's in control of circumstances that I cannot be, or that he's not there, but i don't understand how we can be best friends with God. I don't want to live badly ever again and i don' want to be a disrespectin little punk who hates life, but i also want to be happy and enjoy life and have a reason each day to get the hell out of bed. I'm probably making things too complicated than what they are, I usually do, but as of now I choose not to worry about this fact and see what happens each day. I am not unhappy right now, it's been a good week for me. I have other things to worry about like my homework and finding a job this summer and maybe phoning home sometime. I also think that the more you trust someone the easier it is to talk to them, or to let yourself be known to them somehow, and easier to be happy with them.