woah buddy

what makes people the way they are?! What makes people WHO they are? Situations in their lives...humans run by emotion and irrational-ness. People say one thing and always do another thing. Quit feeding each other bull shit because it only makes people into untrusting bitter humans who search for more than they can ever imagine, and they never get it b/c everyone's full of shit. I can understand why I am the way I am, always expecting honesty and trying to find "better" yet I'm always let down b/c not much is better than I've had. There has been better than what I've experienced years ago of course. I'm not complaining about my circumstances NOW b/c I'm not a homeless drug addict literally fighting for my life everyday. Although I am talking about the people I seem to surround myself. From my experience, I've learned that maybe I will never be enough to just be the only one for someone. I've never had a boyfriend who never cheated on me, or made out with all my "friends" or someone else during or after our relationship. It still happens all the time...maybe I just date dicks. Maybe I think that's all I'm worth b/c that's all I've ever had, and I can't accept love from anyone else, like my family or my friends b/c I dont' feel I deserve it. And even though I realize this now, what am I suppose to do about it? How do you accept real love and real-ness especially when that's the only thing I desire. But is there real love out there...like in a movie? Can people really only live for one other person...just b/c they love them and they're worth it?! How can I accept that God loves me?! Or believe it, or care, and not tell myself all the time that it's not even true just b/c I can't get it around my head and understand what love even is! I'm not sure life is really what people want or expect it to be...it hasn't been for me. But is giving up not expecting these great things anymore but just living, and trying to figure out who I am and what I want, instead of reaching out for these pointless aspirations that seem to drive me into failed expectation?! Is that really worth it?!