maybe im wrong

So, my little journey through the past few months has reached a point of pointlessness. There is nothing. Nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to. What a damn pointless existence we must all have. Unless there's something else that we're missing! Not being able to accept love or anything from other people in my life has affected completely the way I cannot accept this love from God let alone trying to understand it. It's put a huge damper on our would-be relationship and I hate that. Why can't I just realize God loves me and enjoy it? My mama told me not to focus on what I can GET from God, like love, peace, joy etc, but to focus on actually having a relationship with Him and the other stuff will come. Like when I begin to put others first, and start actually loving Jesus. I don't know, its' something new I've realized tonight, b/c I've been so tired and exhausted lately from trying to live on my own and paying for stupid choices I've made. I'ts not worth it! There's nothing worth it anymore, except finding God and finding my destiny and showing others He's real b/c in my life he should be. I have no energy to get out of bed anymore b/c my whole life doesn't look to Him and I've asked for help from God b/c I can't do anything anymore. If he helps me I will be SO grateful; I just need to make an effort with the energy he gives me and stop trying to reason everything He does away. What if someone treated me the way I treat God?! I would never forgive and I would walk away and never look back, b/c that's my natural thing to do. That will change slowely as God changes me, but there's nothing I can do anymore but lie here and say God help me if this is what you want from me...and then accept the care and the love he shows me through my friends who are willing to sit with me and drag out of my mind what really is wrong and love me enough to talk to me and I can sit and enjoy this love b/c it's real. I need to stop taking for granted what I have and realize that every breath given to me is a miracle...I hope this sticks and becomes more real to me everyday, b/c I don't want anything else. I've tried. And everything else is so pointless. Please dont let me forget this ever...