the heinousness of my life...

i want the world. sometimes really bad. i just want to live it and love it. i want to date whoever i want, men and women. i want to go party. i want to drink. i want to smoke. i want to be "free". i want to travel and i want to not be tied down to anything. im bored. im fading away. im losing myself. at least it seems.
but i also want to have best friends. i want to keep them. and i want to have people to talk to and rely on and who will always be there. i've never had that before; it'd be nice. it's not going to happen. i'll always leave. i'll always be left. i want to follow God, and i want to be the heinous mel i am. i can't have both i know. i know. I KNOW.
some days is worse than others, but at least it's only one day at a time. if i have to sit here in my house alone in the dark just so i won't go out and do something "stupid", then i will. i dont want to regret anything, but can a person really help who they love? can they choose that? i can avoid it, but i can't choose it. who even knows.
does anyone really know what they want? is that really a sign of having a stable life or maturity? i know what i dont want. in life. in people. in myself. i know what i wish and dont wish. i know what i like and dont like. maybe that's enough. i know who i am but i dont know if that's who i want to be. this is different.