my life is my own fault
I love Jordan. And I miss him. He died a year ago today...well the 27th. When I look back and remember the hell this year has been...not b/c of what happened but b/c of how I handled it. The dark fog and the confusion and everything that went on - oh God. It'll always be the worst day of my life...right before Jamie's birthday. He's 22 now. They grow up so fast...*sigh*...
Anyways, I am terribly sick. My left side of my face hurts because of dental issues and plus I had xrays taken of my chest b/c of my pains and lung issues, and they won't tell me what's wrong and they're making me find a doctor or something I dont' know. One day I'll find out if I'm dying or not. It'd be nice, but I'm not ready to go yet. I'm too confused and not willing to figure things out right now. Too much trouble adn time and I'm really discouraged with school and I want to drop out NOW but its' too complicated. I could just take another year and work and take it slow. That'd be ideal...two classes a sem plus a job I'd be sailin through the year! Hmm...
Anyways, the day hasn't been that shitty...I don't care what people say things can always get worse. They probably will too, just because I said that. I have a class in a few hours and everytime i lie down though I think my head's going to explode. I took too many advil/gravol/tylenol's today and I still couldn't knock myself out. I guess I will just have to live with it for a bit. You know when you're sick and all you want to do is go lie on your parents' couch? Thats where I want to be...in my old house in my basement on my couch. Where it's comfortable and I can have my life like I used to...kind of...in a way. I'm learning a lot right now about the future and possibilities and love. All the things I fear and despise ha! That's how life goes though i guess. One day...its' always one day..but also there's no way of knowing...anything...ever. Sometimes all I have is an aching hope eating away everything within me of something better, namely Heaven and God. I hope hope HOPE heaven's real bc I want otsee Jordan again :( and its' where I will find my happiness finally b/c there's no way in hell i'm finding any here. Unless I can sleep for a bit...and I'm not one to quit - unless it's drugs - and so I will try again! See you one day...
posted by mello at 02:24
2 Comments:
Schmell.... don't u just LOVE how I spell that??? It should be patented. Anyways, I very much hope that you are HEALED and quickly, both physically and otherwise. You are one of the most real people I know. Keep moving forward. You'll never forget... but you will get better... and you'll know your healed when you can look back and it is a sad memory that will always be with you, but it dosn't hurt so bad. Peace to you today.
hey so i know how you feel. I think about Jordan nearly everyday, and miss him so much. I also think of you nearly everyday and pray for you whenever i think of you. I wanted to phone you but i kept losing your phone number. I knew there was a reason why God kept putting you in my thoughts and i hope and will pray that God will bring you to complete restoration. Until the day we meet i will pray for you. I love you and miss you tons. JEN
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