~ Weeding The Pond ~

I finally left. Over a month ago, and moved to BC. By myself. I left my boyfriend, my dog, my cat, my bunny, my friends. I was losing my mind. I was not in a good situation. I hated my job, my life, everything. I think after years of not thinking of myself or focusing on what I want in life, I had a nervous breakdown.

When you do everything you can for someone else and focus only on them for so long (and I'm not talking about a persons child), and they don't appreciate it at all, it hurts. When you sacrifice so much of who you are and what you enjoy doing just so someone else is happy, you completely lose who you are, and you yourself become unhappy. I feel I did all I could to try to help and try to fix this situation, but when all I was getting was abuse in every way I couldn't stay.

I am so heartbroken I left my pets. My dog was given to a farm so she can run free and be happy. My bunny died last week, and my cat is sick. I miss my boyfriend - or ex I should say - so much but I know if I go back I'll probably die. I miss his voice, his smile, his companionship, but there's so much that I don't miss and I have to keep telling myself that. Today I was weeding the pond and I started to cry b/c I was so lonely, and I had to remind myself of what happened that made me leave and how I really don't want that. When the bad outweighs the good then there really is no question. It just sucks b/c I remember the day I left w him begging me to stay, and the drive out here was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Everyday I'm trying to work hard and do things that make me happy and I find myself the last few days hurting so badly. I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to go home even though I really have no home to go to in Moose Jaw anymore.

I have this place right now and I don't even know how long this will last out here. I might have to find a place to live somewhere else next week, and if I have to then I will. I wish I could have my own place. I feel like I'm always running around here trying to get some time by myself b/c when I'm upset I don't want anyone to be around and watch me cry. I met a new friend here but sometimes I wish I would've met him at a different time in my life, not during one of the most painful. I want to go hang out but then I get scared and stay away and I know he's awesome but I also know that I have time. Unless I have to move away then I guess I don't but either way, we'll be friends. But the fun part is getting to know someone and I know I'm not very strong right now and the idea of anything happening kind of freaks me out . I just want to play music and work through all these feelings I have inside me that are spinning around in my head. It's so overwhelming.

I had a dream last night that I saw Christian and he had my cat. I got to hold her and she licked my nose for so long and I woke up so upset. I always have the most vivid dreams and I always seem to remember them, even if I don't want to. I just want to be done. I want to be done hurting and feeling like an idiot. I feel like an idiot b/c I stayed in that situation for 4 years and I kept going back every single time. B/c I was in love, and it was my life. I'm familiar with the pain of life and I used to try to use it to write and play music, but today I couldn't even play my cello. This kind of pain makes me uninspired and I don't know what to do with it yet. I'm just done with hurting, I can't wait until it goes away. I was torn down for so long and now I miss myself and I want myself back. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask? I guess you gotta go through shit in order to appreciate the good times, and I am so ready for some good times.

When I go through shit, I always think, in a few months you'll look back and it'll be just a memory, and even that thought makes me ache. I never wanted to look back on this. I was always so confident from the day we moved in together that we would be together forever. No matter what we seemed to go through we always made it through, and I was an idiot. But I am done with self pity, and have moved onto missing him, next is acceptance?

Shit.

There have been days and times in my life where I know what to do, I know what I should do, but don't do it. I have read past journals from bad relationships where I am pleading with myself to leave him but I just can't. I needed a reason to. So I waited until I got cheated on to leave. Almost every time! This time was the exact same. I doubt I got cheated on this time but I have been pleading with myself for a long time to leave and get away from this situation and I just couldn't. Why? Because I am fucking weak. Even in the last few days of this relationship I was still apologizing begging him not to leave me. Just because I was so scared to be alone. I couldn't do it. I am alone now and you know what it's not that bad. I was ready this time though. I did have weak moments where I would message or call him but his ugly response to me just proved that this was the right thing to do.

It also seems like a hard thing to do starting over again. Thinking that we should save this just because we've been together so long. And now here I am, in the same situation I was straight out of college, but at least this time I have a room to sleep in and not just a living room floor. Working a stupid job I am too qualified for, back in this city that I do love but there's nothing here for me anymore. He was the only reason I was staying here. I want to move to the mountains so bad but now because of all the debt he put me in I can't yet. I really let him screw me over quite badly this time. Not only emotionally like all the others but physically and financially. I am such a sucker for punishment.

Age 27 is the musicians year of death. I have one more month and then I am done this awful age! I almost made it without over-dosing in some way, shooting myself, or dying in a plane crash. It definitely was not a good year. Moving so much, money stresses, fighting so much. I wish I could do things over but then I think fuck it. I don't have the energy to fix things anymore. Not when I'm the only one trying anymore. There's just a point when you have to give up and think, where have I gone?

welcome back old friend...

I'm not sure there really is one point to life. I mean people spend their whole lives trying to find that one thing they were put here to do, but really, does anyone really figure it out? It could all be a big hoax. Just something to keep us busy like suckers. Or maybe we are just mislead and trying to find whatever it is we WANT to do but don't realize there are many things we are suppose to be doing. Why can't I be 5 people instead of just one? Why am I so limited?
I was lying in bed last night with and ache in my chest and I am brought back to a time when this ache was a constant and I had nothing else. All I had to look forward to was this ache and this pain, and as I lay in my bed last night I remembered my old friend and how I had ignored and neglected pain. The only thing that gave me inspiration and hope and a meaning. I had become a boring person who was lame and completely not interesting, and I had lost myself. I lost my pain.

Peace of mind.

Omg. Lately I have been kind of in a stump. A big boring lonely stump, that only I can pull myself out of but have no energy to do so. A trip to Vancouver and area made me realize that I am not where I want to be for the rest of my life. It is good for now, and I am with the man I want to be with forever, I am just so confused about life and people and what do I want?

Its so strange for me, b/c I have never been settled down and at times I feel very stuck. That sounds really negative and I dont mean it so much in a bad way or that I'm stuck with a life I didn't choose, but I like to get out and move around and experience the world. I gave up a lot of that to stay around here and have a family (boyfriend, cat and hamster family!) and I do not regret it at all, I just wish there was someway to have it all!

I was thinking about life the other day, and how one makes themselves happy, and with insight from a good friend of mine, I realized that you either have to make yourself happy or everyone else around you. At the expense of yourself or them. If you make yourself happy completely, you are going to hurt the ones you love, by leaving or doing whatever you want. If you make everyone else happy you are going to hurt yourself, by not doing whatever you want. I'm not saying going and cheating on someone or being reckless like that, but I mean if I choose to fully make ME happy, I'm going to have to leave and choose a different life. But then again, if I leave I won't be fully happy b/c I will miss my boyfriend.

At first I choose me and took off from my family, and sometimes I regret not being there or around to watch my friends kids grow up or see my family as much as I would like. But then I met Christian and now I don't want to leave and don't want to run off b/c I love him. He could come with me, but where would we go? It's too hard now b/c we have "kids" (haha) and a place to live and all this stuff. I wish I could create a happy medium.

See, Christian has his own music studio room and has all these hobbies he loves to do, and I really don't. Sometimes I feel I dont have time, but I think the real answer is, is that I don't know how. I don't know how to take time for myself and create hobbies and actually play music and stuff. Its a hard knock life.

Anyways, happiness is something that I'm not sure we can truly have and experience, and maybe it doesn't even exist at all, we just get by. Or maybe its the people who don't want to reach further and get more out of life that feel they find this happiness but I dont really know if I believe in peace anymore! It seems like a huge fascade that keeps people focused on reaching this peace, that maybe by keeping them busy they will actually think they are finding it. But really its all a big distraction from reality, which is not so peaceful.

abtract reality.

Life is like a disease. That eats away at us all and has no remorse. Sometimes its slower and less obvious and sometimes it just takes a huge fucking chunk out of you, chews you up, and spits you out. How can people sit back and look at all the shit going on in the world and say, oh its gods will. Come on. There are two things holding me back from screaming out THERE IS NO GOD. First, my parents broken hearts upon hearing this. Secondly, the fact that the church has subconsciously instilled the fear in me. Not love, or whatever it is they speak of, but cold hearted fear. The only thing that the Christian religion has left me with, is fear of hell. Fear of a place that doesn't even exist. Hell is life on earth! It already is. We are already in it. No one can understand the reality or point of death, other than a new beginning. Beginning of what? We don't know. Lost souls roam around the earth, they aren't suppose to be here. They are suppose to have moved on, to another time, another life, another dimension. So what is keeping them around? Unrest? Something they did not bother with during this life that is now demanding to be resolved? Fear? Denial? Maybe this is something we need to think about while still on the earth. While we still have our chance.
I'm in no way ever going to bash the church, or search through the bible to find loop holes that proves its not true. Why would anyone ever do that? Why would you try so hard (and trust me doing that would not be an easy thing to do) to take away someones reason to live? Their faith? As for Christians, why do you go through other peoples religions and try to prove they are wrong too? The world is full of competitive people who just want to win. Who just want to be right. Be like the masons, who don't say a word unless they are asked! I don't know, I don't believe in crushing someones faith. Let them be. Let me be.

what the mel?!

Its been a while hey. But what is a while? Is it seconds? Minutes? Hours? Did it even exist? The time from my last post to now... was it even real? What if life is a coma. And you wake up, and there are completely different people standing around you than who you were expecting. And then you wake up a life that's completely different than the one you were just living! You would never see those people or those places ever again. Now that you are awake.
In that case who wants to be enlightened. Sometimes dreaming is far better than the reality, and the known is better than the unknown. Or maybe it isn't better, we are just too scared to try. But how do we know any of this really exists. Just b/c we are told, or we read it on the internet. We are told we exist and so we believe it, because it doesn't make sense to think we are not really here. I think it makes perfect sense. We always have to know. We always have to have an explanation, and if things are too messed up to explain, then we make something up that sounds good, and is something that people will hold onto. We always need a hope, or a reward. Can't life be the reward? Sometimes though, life is too hard for people, b/c here we can feel so much pain. And they hate it so much, they can't handle it. And they have their minds set on the next part of the journey, to not feel any pain. But who knows? Who really knows?! Nobody. Except the dead. Have they told anyone alive that there is no more pain? We don't go to a heaven or a hell based on how good we did in this life, do we? We go to another time maybe. Another path on the journey we are to make, who knows how long it is. This is just one part. We have had paths before to go through, and this is another one. Once we are done this one we will go to another one. Our soul goes, and we always find those other souls that our soul fell in love with.
But people have terrified each other with stories of death and how awful it could be if you aren't the right person. Or we have terrified ourselves with fear of the unknown. I am in constant fear of death, or losing my loved ones, and I am just starting to try to figure out what it means to face it and be free, as my wise husband Jim Morrison has said to do! We should follow wisdom and not rules, however that looks to you. And I feel like I have tried everything just to find peace, and have only found fear and anguish. So I'm done freaking out and trying everything I can, and I am just going to be, and learn, and let be what may be.

what do i think now...?

My favorite part of the day is bedtime. Well I enjoy the walk I get in each day, and this time I honestly love my job! I landed a position at the Wingate by Wyndham Regina hotel working front desk, and am looking for another part time job on the side. Hopefully that'll happen this weekend. I just moved to Regina from Moose Jaw with my boyfriend, Christian, and live in a seriously ghetto apartment, 4 floors up with no elevator. Trust me, moving in sucked. We moved here b/c I got called by the principal cellist of the RSO, and was told that I need to study with him and then play in the RSO with him!!! Nice hey! My whole life's dream. It's gonna happen! I will make it. B/c that's what I do. I make things happen. I used to have way more energy to get things done but I am still the same person and I can apply the same attributes that are in me to a different focus right.
Before we moved here though, I endured working at Tim Hortons. Don't get me wrong, I met some great people there and some good friends, but the job was heinous. I swore that if I got another job that I was ever looked down upon for doing ever again I will start the third world war. I am a very nice person and very respectable but sometimes I just wanted to take a pot of coffee and pour it slowly down some people's throats and then brag about how much better I am than them for having 3 college degrees and going to play in the RSO, but no. I needed that job for moving money and though it was only 2 months it made me incredibly bitter.
Since moving here, life has been all right. I LOVE my job and plan on getting another job at the YMCA working for the day care! Or at blue notes. Or being a banquet server at IPSCO. Depends which place wants me... I'm praying the Y!!!
I have also become a major fan of peace. There's nothing good that comes from being a high strung mental case. Trust me. I am! Ask anyone who's known me for a while and w all the drama that comes to me or I have brung (sp?) into my life, I have every reason to be a crazy mental case! But now I figure peace. I am not longer alone in this life. I am no longer only thinking about me. I am no longer the only one who suffers for me being psycho. I am still me though. I am still independant and able to work and buy things on my own and be my own person still. Just b/c I'm with and living with someone doesn't mean I can rely on him like I do to my parents. I can't expect to be a child for the rest of my life.
So its been a while, sorry, and I don't have much to say that's super philisophical today, but it'll come. Be patient. Make peace. Now for my favorite time of the day...

ode to 2007.

Wow... this year has been intense. Awesome yet heinous, fun yet boring, exciting, amazing, painful, extreme. I mean, everything I am around becomes extreme in one way or another... I seem to be a magnet of extremo people and things which I LOVE. Sometimes.
The year started with a lovely balance of my banana and my new boyfriend I met through a friend and saw only in the bar on wed night for karaoke even though we both didn't sing. I have sang prob like 4 or 5 times this entire year onstage but only with a friend and only with a good stiff drink in my hand! Alcohol provides fake confidence if anything!
At first I hung out with my Bible college friends a lot, but you know, the school thing and the work thing, they kind of lose track of each other... which made a lot of my friends leaving at the end of the year a little easier than if I'd been there last semester and hung out with them everyday as usual. But working at 7-Eleven demands shift work and so my life consisted of Scott, sleep, work, karaoke. He was a good man... good to me at least... left for BC without much warning and kind of just used me for a few months and took off. I saw him again in June and he hardly said two words to me, treated me with no respect, and took off again. Then came back very unexpectedly and randomly a couple weeks ago, charmed me, hung out with me, then told me he was engaged. That was quick...
Upon his random first return though, I ran into a neighbour of mine and we decided we were going to be great friends and hang out everyday for as long as we can. We still are, and I wouldn't change anything. Except that time when we got into a big fight and things were thrown and people were hurt but hey... it was preventable.
My entire life has been a game of two Mel's it seems... and lately I really haven't had much intense revelation to share... I mean there's always times and thoughts I come up with but they come and go. Like the way life just seems to open things up to people, or reveal truths, but only one at a time and sometimes one person will be given more and another person will be given less, depends what each person can handle I guess. I think life really knows each person and knows how strong they really are inside through what they say and do... what comes out of a person really does show what's inside of them...
My struggles this year have been very outward and not so much inward like they were in school when I was taken care of in everyway except inwardly. Now my life worries are very real and when life just dumps itself on you when your whole life you were so sheltered and all of a sudden oh hey, here's some bills and some real life issues that you've never even heard of yet, now go figure it out... it adds some stress to the list of things to do today. Sometimes even just thinking about it makes me want to cry but I can't, I just have to do it, to learn it, to trust it, to hate it, to figure it out... on my own. I can ask people but in reality I'm on my own.
I can walk down the highway praying for a ride for hours on end but it won't come. I can ask God to help me get a job and after four months and me almost breaking down I finally get something is that faith or is that just life?! Did God really help me, or did God really put me through more mental anguish than I really need right now? Who knows. I love God and I believe He is there somewhere, but it's always oh it's on God's terms not ours and that's just the way God works but you know what I dont think so... I think God works better and faster for those who work better and faster for Him and right now I just dont have the energy...

boil 'em mash 'em stick 'em in a stew!

the shit that happens to this one let me tell ya!!!
Christmas was good. I hung out with my parents, got a digi video camera, thought a boy liked me, and it was lovely. Then I had the most amazing new years...AMAZING. And then I come back to SK. This boy met me at the bus stop with my friend to pick me up and he is SO damn confusing. Seriously. I had an intense week though and I guess he decided to back off a bit and let me live my life...which was nice. But then on Friday he decided he wanted to take someone home with him...anyways.
This past week I got into a huge fight with my ma on the phone - which SUCKS - about school and such and moving out and going to Moose Jaw instead of Caronport. Right then I got an e-mel from my school saying you failed a class, you can't come back, and we hate you. Maybe they don't hate me, but at the time it seemed that way. SO I moved myself into Moose Jaw with my friend and I have been here ever since...just hangin out and finding out this boy is a butt.
Then on Friday night I get a text from my best friend from home in MB saying that she hates me b/c she heard these rumours about me and she believed them. It's a LONG story, but let me just say I didnt' do anything. It looks bad, and I look guilty, but I didn't do anything.
Tonight my other roommate came over to pick up her cat and brought my two neighbours with her. I cried b/c I was so lonely and unhappy and tired and bored and I just wanted my friends to be with me, and they came and they left....
So now I find out tomorrow if I get the job I had an interview for, and if I don't then I keep looking hard and maybe I'll have to stay here. I really want to go back...last semester was FUN, and with me working I can just go hang out and have fun and not worry about homework and stuff.
The whole past few days has just made me want to scream, and cuss and kick things, and there's way more to these stories than I can say...just know that my life? It's a mess, and things like this always happen to me. BUT I still always end up ok. With or without a best friend.

life.

isn't it beautiful? isn't life just beautiful? i heard a song just now from that shrek movie called alleluia, and i hadn't heard it since my best friends funeral last year, and now im all sad. it's not a hopeless sad though, i just miss him. but it makes me remember that life is a treat, and that there's something else beyond this and even though we can't see it or even begin to fathom it, its' there, and i need to always remember that. life isa gift. from God. i take it for granted SO much and i always just dont care or i do my own thing, or i at least just want to. i am sure most oxygen-breathing humans do that. we all struggle with something. some kind of temptation or some kind of addiction. the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my whole life was choose to follow God, and that's b/c his enemy didn't want me to. badly. obviously there's some kind of reality there. anyways, i'm going to go help a friend do something now, but just remember who put you here and why you were put here, and focus on the life to come. amen.