before...

I was reading old writings...
march3, 2005
One of my bestest friends died on sunday. Even still I am in denial and really don't believe it. It's like a bad dream or a bad joke that needs to stop. Makes me think of my priorities and how useless things of the world really are. Sometimes when I get upset I just deny it to myself and tell myself it's not true. It never happened. It's too surreal. He was only 21 and his sister and fiance were with him. The funeral's on Saturday...I just wish I could've said goodbye or said I loved him...I noticed this week how when you need someone the most no one's around.
march9,2005
be still my soul when dearest friends depart, and all is darkened in a vale of tears, that thou will better know His love His heart, who comes to sooth thy sorrow and thy fears, be still my soul thy Jesus can repay, with His own fullness all that He takes away.
I want Jordan...and I this to all go away. This bad dream. These nagging thoughts that are just lies to me. I'm so alone right now, and I hate complaining, and I can usually be thankful for bad times b/c I know it'll help me to grow closer to God, but there is no way right now that I can be thankful for this. I don't need to know why, and I don't need to be angry at God, I need it to go away. For it to never have happened. It'll be ok though...I couldn't ask him to come back from being in Heaven with Jesus. Sometimes I just wish I could've been there with him too...but I'm needed here for now, and it seems like a long time to wait to see him again, but when I do I'll never have to say goodbye again..
march 16, 2005
I wonder what life would be like if I was a bird...if I could just fly away from the world, and just go wherever I wanted. I used to do that....not fly I guess, but just go when I wanted to go. I was never stuck settled down, and I never had any responsibilities that needed to be tended to. I would just pack up and leave. Now I'm in school, and trying to grow up, but who really wants to?� Honestly.
march26,2005
The sun is shining...the snow is melting...birds are flying around...the world goes on...I just want to do so much for God, and go places and tell the world, but it's tough. I'm just in the dark right now, but it's ok. We walk by faith and not by sight... I really want them to come back though.� I feel as if I'm in a fog still, and I've just been convincing myself that I'll be fine...The honest truth, is that I ACHE inside everyday for Jordan, and for God, and right now I want to go to Heaven so bad, and just be done with this heinous world. I hate it. I hate everything about it. IT makes me sad that people play with God and his message as if it's a toy that we can do whatever we want with. God's judgments are real, and they should put intense fear in us. Yes fear as in knowing who God is, but b/c of who God is, we should be fearful of Him. He doens't say he's going to crush his enemies, and then say just joking!� He didn't say that friendship with the world is hatred towards Him, and that whoever is a friend of the world is an ENEMY of his, just for fun!

April10,2005
happy birthday Jordan! (I love you I miss you). My grandpa died today...
April17,2005
The point of reality?� What is reality?� What is really real?� What is really going on here...and why am I apart of it?� What now?� Just go on with my life as if nothing happened?� Go for coffee with myself or go through holidays and pretend my G-Pa's there?� Never being able to go fishing again or watch Jordan skateboard and wipe out!� So funny...ahh!� I ache inside everyday and I try to keep busy and not think but sometimes I just can't, you know?� Nighttime is the worst...I imagine it is for most people who are hurting...
I am trying to find a reason to be alive, although the answer is clearly God, and it's His� choice as to whether or not I die or not...but sometimes I think why is that even real?� Why is God even real?� Why are people real and why do they act the way they do?� How come the world always seems to take over and get what it wants?� B/c it's forceful that's why...The world only gets its own way b/c it takes it...God's not a controlling forceful jerk as the world is and won't make us do stuff or be "zombies"...how would that be greatest love?!� Which is why I respect God and not the world!�
How can I do anything for GOd?� How come I want to?� How come I love the Bible so much and real CHristian people, and love to just sit in His presence and ache for GOd so much?� It's not some lie I was taught my whole life b/c I had nothing to do with God until not even 3 years ago so you can't say I was "brainwashed"...and I only really became a Christian 1.5 years ago...until then I was a hopeless and �homeless drug addict with no self-respect, and GOD GAVE ME MY LIFE BACK!� He gave me a life that I DON'T DESERVE...just b/c He loves me...what?!� How can anyone not respect and love that?!� How can anyone not want that?!� People who have opportunities to know God and just don't want to really frustrate me b/c there ARE people out there who want God but have hardly any ways of getting to know Him or read the Bible or are killed for it...TAKE OPPORTUNITIES AS WE HAVE THEM AND STOP TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED!� � This is mostly to myself...
August4,2005
I hate coming home...such tension...my family may "love" me but they sure don't like me very much. I wish I never made such decisions sometimes b/cthen I can't be myself around ANYONE....but all I have done in my life is hide...and it'll never stop...especially from my parents. I've ruined my whole life, and now I can never have a real relationship with my family...But I just can't ever do what I want or get what I want unless I go get it myself...and even then I can't share with anyone what's going on...just stupid...but not many people really give a shit b/c they don't know or when I am honest they're like oh just hang onto God b/c he'll be your strength. Yeah right. I've been at bible college for 3 years and I know all the "answers" already...i know what to say to be left alone or to "get help" but nobody will just accept the fact that I don't want to live my life any other way than how I want...I dont' think anyone'll ever understand...and even if they say they do they don't b/c I never seem to get out the whole story...but I probably wont' tell anyways...too much hassle...I've learned to live with avoiding negative people and ideas and if someone's pissing me off then I'll leave. I've learned the only way to avoid regret is to make yourself happy instead of everyone else bc that'll NEVER happen...I've learned too much about the world too early and now I just have to keep going...ug...and I've learned that when you stop running your life just catches up to you, so I really need to keep going...
Sept25,2005
In school I almost dropped my Greek � and Philosophy classes...mostly just greek b/c it makes me feel stupid and that's the only thing that can really bring me down...call me ugly before you call me stupid! I guess trying to prove myself to my parents in high school and people not thinking I'd ever graduate or be nothing but a punk on the streets...I'm in college now and I can hold intellectual conversations kind of and my biggest problem is that my mind doesn't stop. In philosophy Joel From keeps bringing up the same questions as I have had forever and the way of thinking that I want to get away from. I guess that if God made my mind this way then he can use it for good and the heinousness of it will go away once I let it. I just have to want more.
Sept 28,2005
In my philosophy class we're talking about dreams...I may have said this before but I can't remember...about how someone's whole life could be just a dream b/c our senses aren't reliable in order to figure out reality. *sigh* I wish that was true sometimes. Life sucks sometimes, and I thinkdepression is such a tool...I've had it plus many more other "diagnosis" - like you can really figure me out - for as long as Ican remember...and depression just sucks the life right out fo a person. I can see it happening right now to one of my best friends who I love so much and I wish he was happy, but he's not. He's forgotten how to find his joy through Christ like I did this summer too...thinking that I could understand things better than God and get mad b/c Icouldn't see past the bad and the hurt, when really God is the one who is ABLE to guide us through it, so why get mad and even more lost? Just forget the world b/c it's not worth it. It just messes you up...look at me!

So that was my summer...how I went crazy OVER the edge completely...and how sometimes I still do at least in my heart...I was more angry than I let on, and I left the really bad stuff out...although my friend from winnipeg, who I partied with and who I've known since I we were in grade 2 became a christian 2 nights ago! Its' really awesome and intense! I always thought that if her and ashley became christians it would make my life a whole lot easier. And then I realized how selfish that sounds...Thank God for her decision, because she reminds me of me when I really want God and choose to follow Him Right. I apologized to her for my heinous behavoir this summer and we talked about sacrifice and how drugs and other things are going to be a huge sacrifice in order to give up ourselves...I try my hardest to keep that, and I always get the question why...but then I think of my last summer and b/c of my anger I did whatever I wanted and how much it messed up my head even more! I don't really talk about this...but it was interesting for me to read and remember....