oh what to do...

So...I think that sometimes people are too involved with such seemingly unimportant aspects of life that they fail to look around and see such awesomeness and beauty and what an amazing artist God really is! Growing up I used to wonder how something so beautiful could be so evil, and now I realize more that the world in itself is not an evil creation, and God deserves recognition for his beauty in creation. I tend not to worry much about life, future, or people...I thank God that I don't have this intense worry about every little thing in my life, but I still completely get too involved with other petty things and look past all that God gives me and has done for me. Even in my last couple years here! Intense! All that God has shown me in my life and done for me and I sitll can just blatantly stand here and say whateva forget it?! I wonder how heartless people can really become sometimes...maybe it's just habit from my former self...I was pretty selfish...
Of course now, how much have I really become more God and people centered? I stay in my little trailer (which rocks yeah) at school and do my homework and never leave b/c I actually like it! I'm not one to really like a place, yet it's kind of growing on me. Hopefully not in a permanent way...But do I really go out of my way to listen to people and be there for them? Some would say I do, although, sometimes it gets to be too much...and where do I filter myself into? God, of course, but I have always wondered how and why...it's still a question I'd like to find sometime.
I'm not looking forward to christmas though. It's just a time where people pretend they know each other and get together for a long awkward boring day and try to smile and be happy and just get through it. I'm tired of pretending, and I'm tired of acting like I am not alone in this world. I usd to think that the world was so huge, but now I think about it, and I feel clausterphobic in Canada, and even with the US too, north america is just too small for me. I've always wanted to go back overseas, but now when I think of the world, it's just too small for me. If I went to Neptune it just wouldn't be fulfilling. So where is my fulfillment? Where's true happiness, and peace, and joy. One of my professors the other day said that peace was not this mind-at-ease thing that people are looking for (which would be awesome), but its' a peace that says, I'm not at war anymore with God b/c He is on my side! There's my peace, and joy, and comfort, knowing that the creator of everything and the one who is IN CONTROL of all things, is on my side! Intense...so why can't I live like I appreciate it?