home?!

I have a little piece of paper taped to my front window that says home is where the heart is. I think maybe that whatever your heart is focused on is where you're most happy. So maybe when your heart is focused on the world and your own selfish ambition, then that's where you go to try to find your happiness. Of course, I always hear that no, you can't find your happiness there no matter how hard you try to mask it with whatever else...it's just not going to happen b/c God didn't create it that way. What about all those people who are actually happy with what they are doing or where they are at, yet do not know God?
I was not happy for real before, and in my search for meaning in life, I'm not sure I ever really will be happy. I'm not going to through my long ordeal of trying to explain myself, b/c nobody can understand or experience exactly what I do, and we all deal differently right?

I can tend to fit in most places I go whether I try or not...or even want to...it just happens that way. But where is my heart longing to be? Not Canada, not the world, not heaven or hell, or anywhere near myself and my mind and my heinousness. I don't want anything anymore and I feel like I don't need anything anymore. I feel like I don't need my friends anymore b/c how can we really help each other? When I'm with them it's great, but I'm really sad sometimes and from my whole life I'm not sure I can really live like this anymore...I can't pretend that I have a home to "go home" to, and that I even know how to love people. I really like people sometimes, and I try to talk to them, and I will listen to people forever if they want me to just b/c I'd rather others not feel like I do. If I'm suppose to get through Christmas break the way God wants me to then fine...besides, drugs just make me even more confused and messed up and I think they just added to the craziness in my head the more I kept doing them...I just pray that I can understand what I am doing and why...and try to find out where my heart really is.